I couldn't afford a divorce lawyer - I represented myself and got more of my ex's money

Divorce, once rare and stigmatised, has become mainstream – 42 per cent of marriages now end this way, meaning nearly half of us who get married can expect to experience it in our lifetime. Just as every marriage is different, so is every divorce. In this column, divorcees reflect on their life-changing experience. Helped by the benefit of hindsight, they’ll share advice and reflections. 

Eve Stanway, 56, is a psychotherapist and divorce coach. She divorced her husband in 2017, with whom she shares two children, 19 and 24. She lives in Ipswich. Interview by MaryLou Costa.

Divorcing my husband blindsided me. I knew we weren’t happy, but I didn’t think we were actually going to split up. He was the one who asked for a divorce, and it felt like the ultimate rejection of what we had built.

The second big thing hit me like a ton of bricks – the financial reality of the situation. 

I was told that going to court with legal representation would end up costing me over £20,000. I was only earning £12,000 at the time, as I had been working part-time on my psychotherapy and coaching business, while being the default parent for our two children, then 15 and 10, in 2017.

Three families reflect on the early signs of the illness, which affected their parents.

They include the things they missed or dismissed, what they’d do differently and what they’d want other people in the same position to know.

One of the first incidents that rang alarm bells for Robert was his mum falling victim to a suspected scam from someone selling mattresses door-to-door. 

She also started to struggle with cooking and making her special dishes she’d been making for decades without a problem.

We [had] just sort of played along with everything. But on one particularly bad day, I blurted it out over the phone, ‘Because you’ve got dementia, mum!’ She threatened to kill herself, which was very scary. Maybe it’s something I should have explained properly to her from the get go…

I think we missed some of the really early subtle signs.

Rosie’s mother was diagnosed with Young Onset Alzheimer’s Disease at 58 but some symptoms, like brain fog, were put down to the menopause.

She had become more forgetful, and was repeating herself, but as she had always “been scatty” it was dismissed.

It was on strange things like going to the same buffet.

Chloe was just 14 when her mum, Sarah, was diagnosed with young onset frontotemporal dementia, a rare form of the disease.

Another time Sarah, who was diagnosed in her forties, forgot how to boil an egg.

On Saturdays, when she’d usually go shopping, she’d go out and come straight back home, almost like she forgetting
what she was going out for.

Writer Sadhbh O’Sullivan looked into her own forgotten subscriptions when she became a first-time buyer, and realised how much she was wasting on things she wasn’t using.

I’d long considered myself to be quite a reasonable spender. 

But the hidden costs across her bank accounts, like free trials that hadn’t been cancelled and memberships for abandoned services, proved otherwise.

It was full of small amounts, £2.99 here, £4.50 there. These small amounts added up.

According to a Nationwide survey almost one in five Brits don’t use every platform they pay for.

The bank suggests they could save as much as £400 a year by ditching them. 

National Trading Standards’ 2025 research found 4.7 million people were paying for subscriptions they didn’t know they’d signed up for.

In 2024, a government report found unused and unwanted subscriptions cost consumers up to £1.6bn a year.

Hunt them down

Banking apps usually list your ‘subscriptions’ separately from direct debits and standing orders so you can easily spot what you’re shelling out on.

Check everything

You can be debited through credit cards, E-payment services, your mobile phone bill, Apple Pay or Google Pay.

Don’t vow to use a subscription you’re not going to, even if you
have good intentions.

Many businesses have changed from monthly to annual payments so look further back.

Make sure to track any subscriptions you have kept so you can cancel them, if need be, in future.

But staff say many people treat their shops like a tip.

Here they share the most useful donations they get, and the
ones that drive them mad.

The quality of donations over the last year has diminished.

Claire Stockman, head of retail for St
Luke’s Hospice [pictured], says many donations include used items from fast fashion like Boohoo and Primark, which they cannot sell for more than £2, if at all.

of what comes into St Luke’s Hospice is unsellable, Stockman says.

She adds its soiled, damaged beyond
repair or smelly.

Harriet, a volunteer at Crisis in Dalston,
says people bring in clothes that are dirty and stained – things that they cannot sell
on Vinted.

She also sees dirty kitchenware and technology that no longer works.

There was a box donated after someone’s family had passed and in it were all these medals. I researched them and the whole collection ended up going for £2,340…

A good donation is anything new with tags on, anything that hasn’t been opened, or higher quality items.

Items that have been well looked after are more likely to sell and generate a better price for charity too.

Harriet adds that knick-knacks and wine glasses are surprise hits in her branch.

Here, psychologists, career consultants and sleep experts give their best advice on how
to beat the gloom that the
work week is looming…

Pave the way on Friday

Psychologist Maria-Teresa Daher-Cusack says to wrap up tasks and not to leave big or difficult things for Monday. And write a to-do list for the next week so you know what to expect when you return after the weekend.

Get outside early

Doctor Naheed Ali says getting out on a Sunday morning – not sleeping late – helps regulate the circadian rhythm that can become skewed over the weekend.

On Sunday spend time away from technology to allow yourself a personal reset away from doom scrolling.

Put yourself in the best position to rest by avoiding large meals, screens and caffeine.

If possible don’t stack your Mondays with high-pressure tasks.

Don’t just save joyful things for the weekend. On lunch breaks, try to do something you enjoy.

If the Sunday scaries are constant, listen to them. If every Sunday fills you with dread and nothing seems to quell it it’s worth asking if it’s the job, the culture or the career itself. No one should spend half their weekend bracing for impact… ” says Victoria McLean

But no country’s energy system is 100 per cent secure and large-scale blackouts, although rare, are possible.

Here’s how to prepare, and what could happen, if we do have a blackout.

If the UK’s power went down tomorrow, these are the ways it is likely to impact you first.

For EV owners that are already on the road, Professor Keith Bell, who works in electricity planning, recommends that those with an EV with reasonable charge use it as a generator, like your own store of electricity.

In the case of the power system going down, petrol isn’t a totally safe option as queues at petrol stations could be huge and places are likely to run out of fuel.

The longer the power takes to return the worse things are likely to get. In 2021 Storm Arwen physically damaged power lines across the UK.

During the 1977 New York blackout, which lasted 25 hours, there was civil unrest, resulting in widespread looting and arson, although intense heatwaves are thought to have exacerbated the situation.

To get updates during a power cut – a car radio can be used, but in severe weather it might be safer to stay inside.

A minimum of 2.5-3 litres of drinking water per person per day is recommended.

The Government recommends opting for torches over candles, for safety reasons.

Using screens in a way that benefits your child’s development is key and balancing educational content and entertainment with offline activities ensures a well-rounded routine.

For younger children, try scavenger hunts, garden games and nature walks. For older ones, hikes
and biking trips.

Designated screen-free times helps children develop a routine that balances screen use with other activities.

It’s an excellent way
to bond and develop critical thinking skills.

Getting creative, through drawing, painting or model construction, enhances cognitive skills and offers an alternative to screens.

Arrange playdates or group activities with friends, or for older kids try an overnight camping trip in the garden.

Showing that you value offline time encourages your children to do the same.

Implement a reward system where screen time is earned through positive behaviour. 

Discuss the importance of balancing screen time with your children so they understand the reasons behind the rules.

Some studies suggest so.

These are the eight brain-boosting foods registered dietitian Fareeha Jay
recommends people consume as part of a weekly diet…

They contain several nutrients thought to support brain health, including choline, vitamin B12 and iodine.

Caffeine can reduce inflammation and
slow the degeneration
of brain cells.

It’s packed with antioxidants and high in vitamin K, which is essentially for healthy brain cells.

Your brain uses Omega-3s to build brain and nerve cells – so a diet rich in them may slow age-related mental decline.

These improve heart health markers, which is linked to a lower risk of neurological disorders.

They contain compounds which have been shown to improve blood flow to the brain, cognitive function, and memory.

There’s this assumption about being put out to pasture… but now that we’re living and working longer, we have to challenge myths around ageing and remember that over-50s are a crucial part of the workforce…

Yet more than a third of those between 50 and 69 believe that their age puts them at a disadvantage when they apply for jobs. 

The Age Without Limits study from 2024 shows that 37 per cent of workers between 51 to 70 felt badly treated in work because of their age.

We need the same level of career planning in
our fifties as our twenties. It’s possible to reinvent yourself again.

It’s nonsense that older people can’t pick up how to use new tech.

Do you need a pay rise? Could you trade some of that money you earn, to work a bit less, and do more things you enjoy?

Become full-time childcare

Grandparenting on the horizon? If you don’t want to do childcare, have the conversation early – even before a child becomes pregnant – that you plan to continue working and love your job.

Accept redundancy too quickly

It’s going to be so much harder to get back into work if you don’t have a plan before you take that leap.

Everybody thinks early retirement is the dream but the reality can be different. There can be loneliness, lack of purpose and a sense of invisibility. 

My solicitor – who was charging £500 an hour in six-minute sessions – was kind enough to gently tell me that I couldn’t afford formal legal representation, especially given that I would need to engage a barrister to take me to all three hearings, who would charge a similar amount. I was going to have to do it myself.

I was terrified and immediately filled with doubt. But my solicitor said: “You can do this. You’ll be better off, because you know your situation.” 

I was terrified, but the confidence I got from my solicitor – who could have just told me to get a loan to fund her fees – was the starting point. We had gotten to this point because mediation had failed. The whole point of mediation was to agree on our financial and custody situation, which turned out to be messy. The mediator proposed that my ex should simply change his long working hours to be able to look after the kids half the time, and that we should split all our money 50-50. 

But dividing these parts of our lives didn’t make much sense. While I had my psychotherapy and coaching practice, I wasn’t earning much. I, like many women, handled all of our family life admin, all of the childcare, all of the school runs, and all of the activities. The kids were competitive swimmers and rowers, and had training every morning and every evening. That division of labour and mental load wasn’t something that you could easily turn into 50-50.

My ex and the mediator had assumed that I was suddenly going to be able to pay for half our family expenses but this wasn’t realistic either. He couldn’t look after the children 50-50 because he would have needed to work fewer hours – fewer weekends – and take fewer business trips. This wasn’t something he felt he could ask for. I also needed time to build my business further so that I could earn enough to support myself and the kids more. 

But rather than go back and forth and get nowhere, we had to come up with something that would actually work for us. We couldn’t do that in mediation, where we both struggled to compromise. In court, it’s a different story – what the judge says, goes. I soon learned that my ex also decided to represent himself, which was even more intimidating.

There were three hearings altogether, and endless amounts of paperwork. I had to get myself a good printer as I went through reams of paper. I bought a whole load of lever arch and box files, and created a whole new folder on my computer. I also created a dedicated email address. I spent a good couple of hours a day “working on” the divorce.

In learning about the legal process, the hardest thing was understanding that I was not going to court to justify myself or accuse my ex. This was literally about the division of money, assets and child custody. I had to understand how to negotiate, how to be reasonable, and how not to get spiralled into 15-page, nightmare emails in the middle of the night. One of the biggest things I learned was: don’t press send for 24 hours.

I also talked to lots of people – anybody I could find about their experiences – and I did hours of research on the internet. The Resolution Website was particularly useful. I did use my solicitor but for advice only. I would set my egg timer for five and a half minutes and I would prepare in advance the questions I wanted to ask her, then record her answers, which she said was fine. 

That way, I could get an answer that cost me £70 pounds, rather than telling her about everything that was going on, and then spending £500 getting the same answer.

In total, I spent about £5,500, which included £313 to make the court application in the first place.

The emotional toll was something else, though. I had a panic attack during the final hearing, which was one of the worst experiences of my life.

You’re being challenged on what money you think you need for yourself and the kids and why, challenging you on how much you’re working, how much the car costs and why you made certain decisions.

For example, after my ex left, I bought a dog because I felt we all needed some extra comfort. I also took the kids to Disneyland because I felt they deserved it after the upheaval we were putting them through.

From my perspective, I felt I needed more money because I couldn’t support myself and the kids on my own. If I was having to do all of the legwork of raising the kids, it wasn’t then reasonable for me to go into town and work a 48-hour week. 

I felt like the childhood I was trying to create for my children was under attack. Now I get that he was trying to be practical as the person who was earning most of the money.

I’d never been on the spot like that before. By the time it came round to me asking my ex questions, I was exhausted and broken.

At the end of it, the judge asked us both to write an eight-page statement to support our case. We didn’t get to see what each other wrote, and we had to wait three months for the verdict.

The settlement the judge came to was fair, I now believe.

I wasn’t going to receive as much in child maintenance payments as I had asked for, but it was more than my ex wanted to give. The judge also made a pension sharing order, as my ex had a bigger pension than I did. We had no savings so that wasn’t an issue.

We divided the proceeds of the sale of our east London family home, which my ex then bought back. My daughter, now 19, is now at university, and my son, now 24, has just moved to the US. I rent a house in Ipswich and hope to buy when my daughter finishes university, as I now work on my business full time.

My ex and I aren’t friends, but now we can at least move on with our lives.

It’s not a traditional happy ending for a relationship that lasted 27 years, but we’re all moving forward.

In the end, I feel I probably got a better deal because a lawyer wasn’t interpreting my experiences or wishes – I was able to speak for myself. I felt more connected and not like the process was being done to me, so it’s something I wish more people felt empowered to do.

By self-representing, we preserved assets that we would have otherwise spent in legal fees, and we got an outcome that meant we could reconcile, in our own way. I wish him nothing but the best.

Eve Stanway is a divorce and breakup coach of 25 years. Her book, Conversations at the Shoreline, is available at www.evestanway.co.uk.