I get £1,000 a month in benefits to care for my son - I can't pay into a pension

Stephanie Whitelock said “it is a privilege” to be able to look after her son, Gabe, who has cerebral palsy, autism and a learning disability – although it has meant her finances have taken a large hit.

The mother of three lives in Reigate, Surrey, with her husband, James, 48, and their children, Ned, 13, Gabe, 10, and Primrose, four.

Before Gabe was born, Stephanie worked part-time in student services at a sixth-form college, often looking after students who were vulnerable and needed extra support.

But staff say many people treat their shops like a tip.

Here they share the most useful donations they get, and the
ones that drive them mad.

The quality of donations over the last year has diminished.

Claire Stockman, head of retail for St
Luke’s Hospice [pictured], says many donations include used items from fast fashion like Boohoo and Primark, which they cannot sell for more than £2, if at all.

of what comes into St Luke’s Hospice is unsellable, Stockman says.

She adds its soiled, damaged beyond
repair or smelly.

Harriet, a volunteer at Crisis in Dalston,
says people bring in clothes that are dirty and stained – things that they cannot sell
on Vinted.

She also sees dirty kitchenware and technology that no longer works.

There was a box donated after someone’s family had passed and in it were all these medals. I researched them and the whole collection ended up going for £2,340…

A good donation is anything new with tags on, anything that hasn’t been opened, or higher quality items.

Items that have been well looked after are more likely to sell and generate a better price for charity too.

Harriet adds that knick-knacks and wine glasses are surprise hits in her branch.

Here, psychologists, career consultants and sleep experts give their best advice on how
to beat the gloom that the
work week is looming…

Pave the way on Friday

Psychologist Maria-Teresa Daher-Cusack says to wrap up tasks and not to leave big or difficult things for Monday. And write a to-do list for the next week so you know what to expect when you return after the weekend.

Get outside early

Doctor Naheed Ali says getting out on a Sunday morning – not sleeping late – helps regulate the circadian rhythm that can become skewed over the weekend.

On Sunday spend time away from technology to allow yourself a personal reset away from doom scrolling.

Put yourself in the best position to rest by avoiding large meals, screens and caffeine.

If possible don’t stack your Mondays with high-pressure tasks.

Don’t just save joyful things for the weekend. On lunch breaks, try to do something you enjoy.

If the Sunday scaries are constant, listen to them. If every Sunday fills you with dread and nothing seems to quell it it’s worth asking if it’s the job, the culture or the career itself. No one should spend half their weekend bracing for impact… ” says Victoria McLean

But no country’s energy system is 100 per cent secure and large-scale blackouts, although rare, are possible.

Here’s how to prepare, and what could happen, if we do have a blackout.

If the UK’s power went down tomorrow, these are the ways it is likely to impact you first.

For EV owners that are already on the road, Professor Keith Bell, who works in electricity planning, recommends that those with an EV with reasonable charge use it as a generator, like your own store of electricity.

In the case of the power system going down, petrol isn’t a totally safe option as queues at petrol stations could be huge and places are likely to run out of fuel.

The longer the power takes to return the worse things are likely to get. In 2021 Storm Arwen physically damaged power lines across the UK.

During the 1977 New York blackout, which lasted 25 hours, there was civil unrest, resulting in widespread looting and arson, although intense heatwaves are thought to have exacerbated the situation.

To get updates during a power cut – a car radio can be used, but in severe weather it might be safer to stay inside.

A minimum of 2.5-3 litres of drinking water per person per day is recommended.

The Government recommends opting for torches over candles, for safety reasons.

Using screens in a way that benefits your child’s development is key and balancing educational content and entertainment with offline activities ensures a well-rounded routine.

For younger children, try scavenger hunts, garden games and nature walks. For older ones, hikes
and biking trips.

Designated screen-free times helps children develop a routine that balances screen use with other activities.

It’s an excellent way
to bond and develop critical thinking skills.

Getting creative, through drawing, painting or model construction, enhances cognitive skills and offers an alternative to screens.

Arrange playdates or group activities with friends, or for older kids try an overnight camping trip in the garden.

Showing that you value offline time encourages your children to do the same.

Implement a reward system where screen time is earned through positive behaviour. 

Discuss the importance of balancing screen time with your children so they understand the reasons behind the rules.

Some studies suggest so.

These are the eight brain-boosting foods registered dietitian Fareeha Jay
recommends people consume as part of a weekly diet…

They contain several nutrients thought to support brain health, including choline, vitamin B12 and iodine.

Caffeine can reduce inflammation and
slow the degeneration
of brain cells.

It’s packed with antioxidants and high in vitamin K, which is essentially for healthy brain cells.

Your brain uses Omega-3s to build brain and nerve cells – so a diet rich in them may slow age-related mental decline.

These improve heart health markers, which is linked to a lower risk of neurological disorders.

They contain compounds which have been shown to improve blood flow to the brain, cognitive function, and memory.

There’s this assumption about being put out to pasture… but now that we’re living and working longer, we have to challenge myths around ageing and remember that over-50s are a crucial part of the workforce…

Yet more than a third of those between 50 and 69 believe that their age puts them at a disadvantage when they apply for jobs. 

The Age Without Limits study from 2024 shows that 37 per cent of workers between 51 to 70 felt badly treated in work because of their age.

We need the same level of career planning in
our fifties as our twenties. It’s possible to reinvent yourself again.

It’s nonsense that older people can’t pick up how to use new tech.

Do you need a pay rise? Could you trade some of that money you earn, to work a bit less, and do more things you enjoy?

Become full-time childcare

Grandparenting on the horizon? If you don’t want to do childcare, have the conversation early – even before a child becomes pregnant – that you plan to continue working and love your job.

Accept redundancy too quickly

It’s going to be so much harder to get back into work if you don’t have a plan before you take that leap.

Everybody thinks early retirement is the dream but the reality can be different. There can be loneliness, lack of purpose and a sense of invisibility. 

Boneless chicken thighs are all meat and a much tastier product.

If you plan every meal all week, there’s no leeway for necessary last-minute changes of plan (or leftovers).

There are so many products that children want to fill the trolley with – all kinds of exciting eye candy. It’s cheaper to go alone.

Consider a vegetable box delivery

Having a Riverford box delivery helps Morris avoid impulse buys and go to the shops
less – even though the box is pricey. “It is expensive, but of great quality and organic”.

Track your spending

It doesn’t need to be an elaborate spreadsheet but without some kind of metric, it’s impossible to spot where you
can or must make cutbacks.

You can save plenty
over a year by never buying branded products at full price.

Do a quick cupboard stocktake. You might find you already have three jars of one thing.

Packing fruit, biscuits, and nuts etc into a Tupperware to take out is more cost effective than buying tiny packaged portions.

“Faking” a takeaway at home can sound like a cheaper option, but if it’s something you don’t usually cook – that needs new ingredients – it could work out pricier.

Returning a few things to the shelves that you won’t need in the near future can save you a healthy amount.

Every time you make do with what’s at home,
you save big.

Try a week or a month of shopping local,
and you might be surprised at the results,
in terms of cost and other benefits like supporting local businesses, and
avoiding car journeys and traffic.

Rebecca Jones has tried most cleaning products in her
decades-long career.

She shares the ones she can’t
live without.

Henry is a classic.
It has fantastic filters, sucks up pet hair quickly, and is great at cleaning up fine dust. 

The Vileda H2PrO set is light, manoeuvrable and keeps clean and dirty water separate.

The HG Glass and
Mirror cleaner removes stains without leaving smudges or streaks.

Best multipurpose cleaner

Method’s multi-surface cleaner is plant-based, cruelty-free, and works great on grease, sinks, sealed wood surfaces, hobs, bins and sealed laminated floors.

Best toilet brush

Unlike a regular toilet brush, nothing gets stuck in the bristles of Ibergrif M34152 Silicone brush. It also dries quickly, so
there’s less odour.

Jones uses the HG Mould Spray on walls, tiles, grout, windows and outdoor furniture.

The Seep Eco Bamboo clothes have a streak-free finish and last.

Every home should have a bottle of Dr Beckmann’s stain remover, says Jones.

Best stain remover

The Mr Siga Multi-Functional Eraser Sponge acts like fine sandpaper to lift
dirt, stains, and scuffs using only water.

Best kept secret

Jones uses Bar Keepers Friend Cleanser to polish stainless-steel, scour sinks and clean her fridge and cookware.

After Gabe was born, the regular appointments, therapy and support he would require became clear. Yet, as Stephanie worked during term-time at the college, she did not get annual leave in the form many employees recognise.

To look after Gabe, she would have to take unpaid leave days, and by the time he was two-and-a-half, it became evident to Stephanie that her job had become “untenable.”

Although Stephanie believes being able to take care of Gabe is an “amazing” thing to do, she is concerned the role of unpaid carers is not recognised in the way it should be.

She said: “I gave up my job at the college in April 2018 to look after Gabe. I was hyper-focused on finding out what was causing his symptoms and what support we could give him.

“I’ve missed out on career progression but was willing to sacrifice that to look after my son. When I left my job I was battling fatigue juggling everything. I suspect I now have PTSD as it was such a difficult time.”

In the past few weeks, Stephanie has found a job working seven hours a week at a nursery, covering lunchtimes three days a week. “The pay isn’t high, but it is a start,” Stephanie said.

Her husband, James, works full-time as an IT infrastructure manager, taking care of Gabe before and after he is at work. Since Stephanie quit her college job, the family’s finances have taken a hit.

Stephanie said: “We certainly won’t be taking any expensive trips abroad to Disney World any time soon and the kids often make do with hand-me-down clothes. We’re not poor but we watch what we spend due to our circumstances.”

Stephanie and her husband have previously used credit cards to pay for private therapy for Gabe, with sessions often costing £100 or more a time. The couple also fundraised £10,000 online to take Gabe to the US for treatment to help him walk, which Stephanie says was successful.

She said the family pay “several” thousand pounds in additional costs to due Gabe’s disabilities. A weekend activity day costs £105 for Gabe, while their daughter’s weekend day club costs £25 for the day. Stephanie and James also spend large sums of incontinence pads for Gabe.

“Sensory toys always cost more than standard toys and getting clothes and shoes that are right for Gabe can be more expensive”, Stephanie adds. Gabe wears a leg splint, so the couple always have to buy two pairs of shoes so Gabe has the right fit for each foot.

Stephanie also has an eye on the future and is concerned about what her pension and retirement will look like.

She said: “I am not adding any money to a pension. I am also aware that the amount I do have in pensions now will not be anywhere near enough for a comfortable retirement.

“James is adding money to a pension via work. But we are fully aware that our retirements and pensions will look different to those of our friends. Gabe will also be living with us to the day we are no longer here. And our number one worry is what happens to Gabe when we can no longer or are not around to care for him.”

Stephanie receives around £400 a month in carer’s allowance and Gabe receives £600 a month via disability living allowance.

Stephanie said: “We receive these benefits but I classify myself as an unpaid carer. We look after Gabe for 70 hours a week.

“Unpaid carers should be permitted to work more hours without their carer’s allowance being affected. More holistic support from a dedicated body or organisation, rather than a charity, would also be helpful. What we need is a government-spearheaded body focusing purely on unpaid carers and their needs.”

A carer is anyone who cares, unpaid, for a friend or family member who due to illness, disability, a mental health problem or an addiction cannot cope without their support.

Aside from the financial toll, being a carer places an emotional and physical strain on Stephanie.

She said: “The physical aspect really takes a toll on your body. The exhaustion is on another level because you are physically tired, but also tired from the mental load of things like appointments, therapy and medication. It is difficult and I am yet to find a balance. Something always slips, and then I feel awful about that. I end up with burn-out.”

Georgina Colman, founder of Purpl, a firm providing discounts for disabled people, said: “For many families, caring responsibilities develop gradually over time. What it really looks like is constantly managing complex care needs, providing emotional support and covering high additional costs on top of that.

“The financial impact of caring is often hidden, but it’s very real.”