NY wants to replace 'mother' and 'father'—Who gets left behind? | Opinion

As someone who grew up with adopted relatives and, as someone who had my first baby in September 2025, I know how damaging it can be to not be recognized as a parent.

Parents I know who created their families through adoption did not experience gestation, but that does not diminish their roles as parents. Biological men are incapable of carrying a baby, but it does not make them less of a parent.

This is why I was concerned when it was reported that the New York State Legislature had passed a bill that would replace gendered terms such as "mother" and "father" with neutral terms across state law, using the terms "gestating" and "non-gestating" parents.

Not defining parents as mother and father not only marginalizes the importance of fathers, but also the roles of adoptive parents.

As a clinician, I cannot emphasize enough that giving birth to a child does not make a person more of a parent than a father, or people who have become parents through adoption.

I have treated clients and personally have seen those whose gestating parent gave them drugs, used them to garner sympathy, and did nothing to improve their lives. I have seen people who put their needs ahead of their children's needs, and know parents who are called "benignly negligent." Does that make them more "parental" than a person who did not birth a child?

I have seen people who became parents through adoption raise their children in ways that the biological parent was unable to.

Seeing my husband wake up at 4 a.m. every morning, go for a run at 5 a.m., leave for work at 6:30 a.m., come home at 5 p.m., and work a second job two to three times a week, including Sundays. Despite being physically and emotionally drained, he is still present for our son. For 7 1/2 months, despite waking before sunrise, my husband would get the baby his bottles, change him, then give him to me, despite my protests that he needed to sleep, because he sees parenting as about the needs of children.

According to a 2018 study done by the Baylor College of Medicine, parents fall into different categories: genetic parent, the individual who contributes an egg or sperm; gestational parent, the individual who will carry the pregnancy and give birth; and intended parent, the individual who will be responsible for raising and supporting the child.

Research conducted in 2020 by the Institute for Research on Poverty shows that involved fathers are associated with positive effects on their children that begin before birth. During pregnancy, partner support is associated with fewer maternal health problems and more positive maternal and infant outcomes than found among women who lack supportive partners, and positive father involvement is associated with children's higher academic achievement, greater school readiness, stronger math and verbal skills, greater emotional security, higher self-esteem, fewer behavioral problems, and greater social competence than found among children who do not have caring, involved fathers.

According to the research, 60 percent of American men today have at least one biological child, and among the 72 million fathers in the United States, there are biological dads and also men who serve as social, legal, and stepfathers in families ranging in structure from married to cohabitating, recombined, and single-parent.

Professor Gregory Fabiano, associate director of clinical training in the Psychology Department of Florida International University, said, following his research, "Dads make unique contributions to child development, including in the development of speech and language, social skills and peer relationship skills, and academic achievement."

A 2021 article published by the Journal of Child and Family Studies states that research shows that adoptive parents invest in their children equally or more than biological parents. The University of Southern California published research showing that MRI imaging shows that fatherhood changes men's brains.

Drawing on my faith, I also look to the Talmud.

In Sanhedrin 19b, it states that whoever raises a child is considered their parent. The Talmud in Kiddushin 1:7 also teaches us that a father is responsible for educating his children, teaching his son a trade, finding him a wife, and teaching him to swim.

Yes, for 40 weeks a biological woman carries a pregnancy, making her a parent biologically, but caring for a child, waking up, feeding, educating, emotionally and physically supporting a child is what makes a parent, not gestating.

To remove the titles of mom and dad and replace them with "gestating" and "non-gestating" parents does not allow real parents to be seen.

To the legislators who are marginalizing parents due to a lack of gestation, I ask: Why does giving birth make one more worthy than a parent who does not gestate their child?

Ariel Goldstein is a licensed social worker in New Jersey and New York.

The views expressed in this article are the writer's own.