OFFSIDE: Kylian Mbappe and France show they can play ugly to win in Paraguay showdown
Hello and welcome to another edition of OFFSIDE. There are some sayings that become an intricate part of football. Roy Keane’s prawn-sandwich brigade rant. Ian Holloway’s brothel blockade. Bill Shankly’s quote about football being more important than life and death. And perhaps we hit footballing quote entelechy when Andy Gray wondered if Lionel Messi could do it on a “cold, rainy night in Stoke”.Now, Messi has never played in the Premier League, though he did hand the greatest Premier League team coached by the greatest Premier League manager two harsh footballing lessons in Champions League finals.
But Kylian Mbappe recently added his own iteration of a “cold, rainy night in Stoke”. Except it was a “hot, sweltering day in Philly”, with temperatures rising to 43.3 degrees Celsius against a Paraguay team that had no desire to score a goal at all.Anyhoo, Kylian Mbappe added his own quote to the pantheon of great footballing quotes when he said: “We’ve shown that we’re not just a team that plays attacking football; if we have to put our hands in the s****, we will put our hands in the s****.
They thought we were going to turn up in tuxedos, but we know how to play rough football — and even at that, we were better than them!” It’s not quite King Lear by Eric Cantona (“As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods. They kill us for their sport”), but it does sum up the grit of the French team that celebrated America’s Independence Day by re-enacting the time the French teamed up with the Americans to hand it out to the British.France vs Paraguay was an ugly game that perhaps could become a blueprint for any team that wants to stop ‘Dictator’ Mbappe and his team.
The most remarkable statistic from that match, even more than it being the hottest game ever, was that Paraguay only managed to get one yellow card, and that too at the very end of the match.The match was summed up by Orlando Gill, the Paraguay keeper, throwing the ball at Mbappe after the match got over, after the Dictator refused to shake hands with the opponent who had been haranguing him for 90-plus minutes before it led to an all-out flare-up.Funnily enough, the World Cup match was oddly reminiscent of the Round of 16 match between them in 1998, when Paraguay were knocked out by a Golden Goal from Laurent Blanc.
Twenty-eight years later, it took a VAR-assisted penalty to make that happen.For neutrals, though, Paraguay being knocked out is a cause célèbre given the haramball they have played throughout the tournament, which might be great for Paraguay fans back home but makes neutrals want to pull an Oedipus.In the day’s other match, Morocco ended Canada’s party with a 3-0 win that saw Azzedine Ounahi score twice before Soufiane Rahimi added some salt to Canada’s wounds.
This Moroccan side is different from the 2022 version that reached the semi-final and has a lot more attacking ambition and a high degree of clinical finishing that saw them need only four shots on target for their three goals. The only problem is they meet France next, but if they manage to upset the French, this looks like, to borrow a line from Rick Blaine from Casablanca, the beginning of a beautiful World Cup run.
Now we have a delicious double feature, an old motion picture practice where theatres would exhibit two films for the price of one, on Day 25.BRAZIL VS NORWAYJuly 6, 1. 30am ISTNow one might think that this is the mighty Selecao facing off against the Viking warrior Haaland, but Norway is one of the few teams that has never lost to Brazil.
The Samba gods have never beaten Norway, drawing twice and losing twice, including the famous 1-2 loss in the 1998 World Cup against a Norway team that included Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Ronny Johnsen and Stale Solbakken. Solbakken is now the coach as he looks to pull off one more upset. Norway, simply put, is the one country that has always had Brazil’s number.Warrior WatchThere’s a distinct Thor: Ragnarok feel to this match and Infantino must be feeling like the Grandmaster watching Thor and Hulk face off in a gladiator match.
The difference, of course, is that it’s the Viking who is the size of Hulk. The obvious match-up is between Haaland for Norway and Vinicius Jr for Brazil, who has been one of the standout performers for Carlo Ancelotti’s very European-like Selecao.Battle PlanBrazil fans, probashi or native, are oddly like Bengalis, who often find a reason to complain all the time.
Of course, it could be because a lot of them are Bengalis, but one refrain from fans is that the team isn’t Jogo Bonito enough, whatever that means, because Brazil hasn’t won a World Cup since 2002 and certainly hasn’t shown any bonito either.While Brazil will look to contain Haaland, Casemiro and Bruno Guimaraes have to kill the second ball early.
Brazil will look to move the ball fast while expecting even their forwards to defend. It might just come down to an eyebrow twitch from Don Ancelotti. Dinner table pointViking or Samba? Time will tell.Mexico vs England5. 30am ISTAnd a day after America’s 250th birthday party, we have a showdown between two nations that were affected most by it: England, who lost thirteen colonies, and Mexico, who lost 55% of their territory to the United States.
The match is being held in the historic Azteca Stadium, where Mexico have never lost and where England got inter-generational PTSD after observing the Hand of God and the Goal of the Century. The imposing stadium is also 7,220 feet above sea level, with some even wondering if England will take Viagra, which does dilate the blood vessels, to acclimatise, and has led to certain NSFW offside jokes.Warrior WatchEngland wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Harry Kane, who dragged the Three Lions from a goal down with a header and a shot Ralph Waldo Emerson could write a poem about.
English fans are already rueing the absence of Cole Palmer, Phil Foden and Trent Alexander-Arnold, and there are times that England do look rather listless. Perhaps Kobbie Mainoo will be added to midfield and Declan Rice could end up at right-back to shore up the defence. For Mexico, the obvious choice is striker Raúl Jiménez, who has played in England since 2018 and knows how to wind up English defenders.
Battle PlanFor Mexico, the obvious option will be to do what Ghana and DR Congo did and make England look listless. While the Azteca will test their lungs, the defence will hope to make England look listless.Tuchel’s team has structure. In Kane, they have the world’s best out-and-out striker, and the likes of Declan Rice make England a threat from any set-piece, but they are lacking the chutzpah of a creator that you got from a Palmer or a Foden.
Tuchel will also have to decide if it’s time to unleash Bukayo Saka and Kobbie Mainoo, two talented Englishmen who haven’t started any games yet. The latter hasn’t even played a minute despite being England’s best midfielder in their run to the Euro finals.Dinner table pointEngland might have the big names, but Mexico has the vibe.
Something’s gotta give. Will England end up adding another traumatic Azteca moment to their collective memory?OFFSIDE’S TEAM OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FARNow we have seen a lot of football so far and here’s our team of the tournament. And while it’s controversial, neither Messi nor Haaland makes the starting XI.
Why? Hear us out. The best formation at this World Cup has been France’s 4-2-3-1 and that’s the one we are replicating.In goal, we have Vozinha from Cape Verde, who nearly kept the mighty Argentines out single-handedly. At right-back, the obvious choice is Achraf Hakimi, who is equally potent in defence and attack.
The centre-back pairing is France’s Dayot Upamecano and Brazil’s Gabriel. At left-back, Spain’s Cucurella has been tireless.The midfield pivot has Rodri and Saibari. Michael Olise is in the hole, a player who is close to breaking Pele’s assist record from 1958. On the right, we have the teenager of touch and tease, Yamal, who looks like he is channeling Cruyff’s spirit.
On the left, we have Dictator Mbappe, who is turning every France attack into a question of when, not if, they score. And finally, up front, preferred over Haaland, is Harry Kane, who just edges out Haaland. English bias? Perhaps.On the bench, we have Lionel Messi, Erling Haaland, Ousmane Dembele, Mikel Oyarzabal, Bruno Guimaraes, Pau Cubarsi and Vinicus Jr.Get the latest Sports News and Live updates.
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